i think i'm going to make it out of this nightmare alive and well and more fierce then ever before.

fuck

god damnit i am so stupid.
i am not in love with every boy i see why is my brain telling me that.

I HAVE A GAT DAMN CRUSH ON EVERYONE WHO TALKS TO ME.

FIRST THINGS FIRST
I'm dressing as beyonce for holloween.
onto more sexy things.
two boys with the same name want to date me.
BUT, I have a crush on a blonde boy. Which is wierd because I normally am not attracted to blondes.
I really am acting like such a fucking chick lately. It's lame but it's also kind of fun.
boysboysboysboysboysboysboysboysboys
BOYS.
I want to go dress shopping, I need more dresses.
Something to accentuate my flawless rack.

I miss having a libido.....

anyways, I'm going to rip off my clothes and dance till I'm sweaty.
it's my new workout regime.

my seasonal affective disorder is going into hibernation for the winter.
WOO HOOOOOOO!

xoxo gossip girl

i want to move far away again.
and change my name to nancy.
maybe get married and join a beach boys cover band.
wouldn't it be niiiiiiice.

i really do love blink 182.
i really am 12 years old.

i'm hanging out with an old flame later and im thinking its a bad idea.
i'll keep you posted.

somedays all i can really do is just sit and cry.
[today is one of those days]

sometimes i just really wanna kiss boys.

I don't know why whenever I'm happy for a long period of time my head gives me a stupid reason not to be.

I saw the guy I lost my virginity to last night for the first time,he did what he's good at.
not talking to me. I came home and cried on my kitchen floor. It's not like I want him, or anything to do with him. I just want him to aknowledge that what he did hurt me, it still hurts.I just want him to ask me if I'm okay and I want to tell him no,then not see him again.

I'm basically over it, I swear.

Montreal Tuesday 6am.
Maybe I'll canoodle with a french boy to take my mind off how sick I am of this place.
Or maybe I'll just have conversations with homeless people at 5am as per usual.

Life is wierd.

Really though.....

This summer has been life changing, just not in the way I wanted it to be.
I feel like I've gone against everything I believe in like I'm somehow less of a person.
I recently (actually a month ago to this day) had sex for the first time.
It was the guys first time too so in the back of my mind I thought this could be something special.
But it turned out it was nothing and he hasn't spoken a word to me since.
I no longer have this idea of sex being this beautiful thing between two people.
He and I weren't even really attracted to each other I think we were both just bored and fucked up.
I now know there's a huge difference between fucking and making love.
I really wish I didn't wait so long to have sex because now that I've done it,it doesn't even seem like it was worth waiting for.

Blegh, I'm messed up.

I find it absolutely disgusting that some guys don't get the word no. It's a word that can't be misenterpreted, it's so simple. All the slimeballs are making me be afraid of even the decent guys.
I have never really participated in the dating scene. At first, because I didn't want to date someone just to date someone. Now I'm just plain scared.
All people aren't the same, good people are out there. I guess I just need to open up.



I can't wait to leave.....

I haven't felt this low in years.

v u l n e r a b l e.

I need someone to just hold me and tell me everything is going to get better in time.

most of the people im friends with are pretty horrible people.

sometimes feeling bears over me like a tide and it makes me want to scream.
i thought i wasnt ready to leave but comming back was the hardest part.

i need to take care of myself cause no one else knows how to do it.
i'm not looking back this time.

sleep is for the weak.



i am destined for greatness.

home is a very wierd place
i thought i'd be happier.

montreal in the near future, ya.

My life is pretty wierd. But I love it.
I'm going to London next weekend to stay in a hostel with Keara.
Then I'm flying to Montreal to hang out with Cassie.
She needs me right now and I need her.
Then I am going the fuck home, I'm pretty content with that decision.
My agency here is just kind of crappy, like they set me up with two families that I wasnt compatible with at all.
One of which was completely fucking insane.
My agency back home has been good though.
In ways I'm pretty dissapointed in myself that I didnt stick it out but whats the fucking point if im not happy.

I'm excited for the future.

i read all your discustingly bittersweet romantic blogs and i pretend that i'm the girl your writing about.

....
lol